now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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