I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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