Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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