Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
