you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
