as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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