that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
