Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
