life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
