What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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