Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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