bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Im part way to drunk.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
