I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
