I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
