you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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