i already hear my dad disowning me
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
