It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
