if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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