I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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