its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
