By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
