My nipple is on Facebook.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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