He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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