I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
