sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
