3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
