Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
