I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
