I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
