She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
