you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
