btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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