Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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