A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
