Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
