have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
