so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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