My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
