Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
