I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
