New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
