I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
