Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
