If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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