I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
