if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
