so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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