I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
