I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
