Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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