i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
